Chasing Egg Sandwiches At Functions

Warning: This post contains eggs.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that there are never enough egg sandwiches at functions. You have ham sandwiches to beat the band, but egg sandwiches are a rare commodity.

Now that the pestilence is behind us, I'm back out on the function circuit. I've a clatter of them on lately, both social and business.

Photo by Adam Bartoszewicz on Unsplash

Here’s a pic of an egg sandwich on crusty white bread. The egg oozes its glorious yellow oak over the bread and onto the plate.

Recently, I was at a function where there were about four egg sandwiches on the plate. I know because I ate them all. They were only small.

The sandwiches were all welded together. It was hard to know where one began and one ended. I do find myself in this predicament on occasion, on account of my wonky eyes. I've been known to pull sandwiches apart.

But I restrained myself on this occasion. Instead, I enlisted the help of a colleague who was on the hunt for sandwiches that didn't contain egg and therefore had a vested interest in passing on the sandwiches to me.

Egg sandwiches present other challenges, as they ooze out over the side of the bread. I'm mad about messy food though so I don't mind that.

What bothers me more is that they're nearly always served with brown bread. An egg sandwich on white bread, with onion, is a true luxury.

The Hazards of Eating At Functions

In general, eating at functions with self-service grub and informal seating can be an awkward business.

First, you need to establish where the queue begins and ends. And it's a scientific rule that the queue always starts when you least expect it.

Then you've the twin paradox where you feel you have to fight your fellow humans for the food, but you also don't want to seem too greedy. A battle between primitive instinct and social nicety. It's inevitable that one will win out over the other.

A Delicate Balance

Once you've acquired your plate of food, you have to scramble for somewhere to eat it. You'll likely end up in a position where you've to balance a plate awkwardly in your lap or in your hands.

At a recent social event, we were given paper plates for the food. I was wondering why I couldn't get a grip on the food with my wooden knife. Apparently, the trick is to use two paper plates. I do wonder how I have managed to live this long.

But all this controlled chaos is worth it if I can get my hands on a decent egg sandwich (on white bread.) If there are cocktail sausages as well, so much the better.

If you'd like to give me lessons on the etiquette of eating egg sandwiches and other grub at social functions, you can email me, derbhile@writewordseditorial.ie or 0876959799.