Signs You're An Oul Wan In A Café

Clue: You start grumbling way more.

I'm officially an oul wan. I'm old enough to remember the fall of the Berlin Wall, Nelson Mandela coming out of prison… and leg warmers (just about!)

But to me, the biggest sign you're an oul wan is how you experience cafés. When you're young, the café is the stage for the drama in your life. The staff could throw rocks onto your plate and you wouldn't notice.

But when you're older, you start to notice little details. And it can make you quite cranky. Here are four tell-tale signs that you've reached a stage of oul-wan (or oul-fella) hood.

Loud Music

The first thing you notice is the music, how loud it is. When I was younger, I enjoyed the music and couldn't see what the problem was when older people gave out about it.

It's true what the late food writer AA Gill said about noise in cafes and restaurants. When you're young, you need noise to distract you from the worry that you've nothing to say.

When you're older you give out about it because you're in denial about losing your faculties – in this case, the ability to distinguish voices from other background noises.

Still, music in cafés is unnecessary. Most people are there to talk to each other, and that's the only sound they need. And the staff can't really hear it over the hiss of coffee machines and cooking.

Are the Staff Trained?

Next you start noticing how young the staff are, as young as your children, your grandchildren, your nieces and nephews. When they mess up your order or struggle to engage in the art of conversation, you nod your head sagely at your companions and say, "They're not trained."

Photo by krutarth shah on Unsplash

Photo Description: A young female staff member at a restaurant is looking down at the menus in her hand. She’s wearing a black and white uniform.

If the staff are friendly and efficient, you nod sagely again and say, ‘They're very well trained, aren't they?’

The Young Frequency

I believe there is such a thing as a young frequency, a pitch of voice that only those under the age of twenty-five can hear. When young staff speak to you, all you can hear is jewanshrrrwitdat. You ask them to repeat it and again all you hear is jewanshrrrwitdat. Some people tell me they lipread to figure out what they're saying.

And don't get me started on their lexicon of American diner words (enjoy, what'll it be.) That's for a whole other post.

Flattery Will Get You Nowhere

I've heard many oul wans complain of being left at a table while two young wans chat behind a counter. But I'm more bothered by the opposite problem – young male staff who twinkle at me and refer to me and my friends as 'girls.'

Such staff will gesture to the cake counter as if it contains glittering prizes and say, ‘Go on girls. Be good to yourself.' With the aforementioned twinkle. It works on most of the women at the table, but I say, ‘Twinkle all you like, young fella, but I'm still not giving you a tip.'

Well, I haven't actually said that. But I will say it. When I'm really old.