I'm in the market for a new religion. For the first time ever, I didn't tick the Roman Catholic box in last year's census. It felt like cutting a cord. But it also felt right.
Mind you, I could be lured back to Catholicism if they introduced salted caramel flavoured communion hosts. Or I could become a Protestant. Keep all the good parts about being a Catholic, minus the sin.
The only problem is, you have to be able to make jam. That's me out straight away. And I couldn't pray to St Anthony to find my lost glasses anymore. That would be a tragedy.
Spiritual Food Choices
There are plenty of Irish people who've converted to Islam. The headscarf thing wouldn't bother me. There's something freeing about not being defined by how you look. But I'm way too greedy to be a Muslim. You have to fast for a month and I'd never last.
Food would also be a barrier to me becoming a Jew. Never mind the persecution. It's the prawns that would worry me. I'd have to wave goodbye to prawn cocktail, King prawns, battered prawns, prawn sandwiches and prawn mousse. My life as a Jew would be a prawnless desert.
Buddhism is gone fierce trendy. There are loads of celebrity Buddhists. But to become a Buddhist, you need to be able to sit in the lotus position. And I have wonky legs. Plus, I'm not real big on a faith that requires you to cut off your blood supply in order to practice it.
Hedging My Bets
I could just jack the whole lot of them in and become an atheist. Again, a fierce fashionable option. But the idea that we're just a rock at the edge of the universe spinning way out of control makes me want to disembowel myself.
Besides, I prefer to hedge my bets. I'm a big believer in Pascal's wager. If you don't know what it is, look it up. It's very useful.
The Fun Religions
I was thinking of choosing my religion on the basis of how much crack it is. That again would rule out Protestantism and all its various branches, Quakers, Shakers and candlestick makers. Fierce sensible religions, but very short on crack.
On the basis of crack alone, paganism wins hands down. You can swim in the sea in the nip and call it worship. You get to walk in woods, light fires, bang drums and wear lovely floaty clothes. And you can feast when it's time to feast.
Photo Description: A woman is floating in a deep blue sea, her hands outstretched. She is lying on her back and wearing a pair of black togs.
The American evangelical churches also sound like mighty crack. I'd love to go to one of those services where people fall to the ground in a swoon of ecstasy, speak in tongues or handle snakes.
Apparently, a lot of these churches have Starbucks in them as well, so you can avail of bodily refreshment as well as spiritual refreshment.
And in fairness, Catholicism is great crack. Lots of guts and gore. And all those saints, Child saints with boils all over their bodies. And other saints who lived lives of debauchery before they converted, wine, women and song. Loads of scope for gross-out comedy.
Which Path Do I Pick?
I've flirted with New Age beliefs, the idea of a universal energy that binds us. As I'm chronically lazy, this might suit me. You don't have to do anything, just trust that the universe will provide. But wait, isn't the universe just another word for God?
It appears I'm doomed to spend my life with my nose pressed to the window of the spiritual sweetshop, lost in a wilderness of wellness gurus.
Mind you, I did always like pick and mix as a child. I could go pick and mix on my religions, a soupcon of paganism, a dash of New Age, eight ounces of Christianity.
If that fails, Catholicism gives you the option for a last-minute conversion, allowing me to scud through the door to the afterlife with inches to spare.