The Art of Asking Questions

I ponder on the right and wrong way of asking questions.

Have you noticed that fewer people ask questions in conversations these days? Now there’s a question for you. I’ve certainly noticed it. You’ll hear plenty of opinions, but I reckon the question count in daily discourse is way down. I’ll tell a little anecdote and wait for follow up questions, but few come, if any.

I too ask fewer questions, because there are so many questions it no longer feels safe to ask. ‘Have you got children?’ used to be standard small talk, but I don’t ask it anymore in case it opens up a world of pain inside someone who can’t have any, or a blustering need to justify in the case of someone who has decided not to have any.

Asking ‘Where are you from?’ used to be considered a good way to strike common ground with people you might randomly chat to at a bus stop. Now it’s a loaded question, because it can too easily be followed by, ‘Where are you really from?’

Photo Description: This image contains three red question marks and the words Asking The Right Questions

Questions can take the form of judgement wrapped up as concern. ‘Is that bag not awful heavy?’ people say to me when I take my rucksack off my back. Translation: what are you doing carrying so much stuff? Can you not pack lighter?

There are people who pelt you with questions: where are you off to next on holidays, are you making any improvements on your house, what’s your shoe size? It feels as though they are assessing you, to see if you measure up to a certain standard. You come away from a conversation with them feeling you’ve been lightly grilled.

Then there are the people who ask questions in an interested way. You feel seduced and flattered by their interest. It’s only after you’ve finished the conversation that you realise they’ve learned a lot about you – but you’ve learned very little about them. Which creates a weird power balance.

On the other end of the scale are people who ask no questions at all, which is disconcerting. I sometimes throw out a few conversational crumbs to these people:

‘I once danced in a gents’ toilet wearing a pink tutu.’

And they’ll simply say, ‘Oh, right,’ and carry on talking.

They may be avoiding questions because they don’t want to appear rude, but in fact they can appear uninterested. The conversation is one-sided in a different way, tipping the power balance in the other direction.

The sweet spot is when you talk to a person who’s equally at ease with asking questions and answering them. That’s when a conversation becomes a rich experience. You come away feeling that you know this person a little better, and that they know you. In the right hands, questions can open up a door.